Let's cut right to the chase. You know that's how the Baldwin brothers would play it. Even the mountebank Baldwin. Especially the hot Baldwin. Cailey: So, let's say that Daniel Baldwin's totally off the wagon.
Liz: Biggest. Bender. Ever. Like a wild weekend with Ke$ha and Liza Minnelli.
Cailey: Obviously we now have to insert this picture for no reason:
Liz: Except the reason that it's the best picture EVAR. And now back to our regularly scheduled programming...
Cailey: Daniel's riding shotgun with his brother Billy, zooming along upstate New York turnpikes in a hot convertible, all the while sucking down the whiskey like a dehydrated puppy.
Cailey: Daniel's riding shotgun with his brother Billy, zooming along upstate New York turnpikes in a hot convertible, all the while sucking down the whiskey like a dehydrated puppy.
Liz: "Why're we driving to Alec's house?" Daniel slurs, finishing the last of his bottle of Wild Turkey.
Cailey: Don't you think he'd drink a finer whiskey? A Glenlossie? A Mortlach? A Teaninich? A Glenfarclas 1955?
Liz: Or maybe a Gimli? A Morgan Le Fey? How about a Rubeus Hagrid?
Cailey: If they made a Gimli whiskey I would drink nothing else. Ever. Not even water.
Liz: Daniel's drinking with intent to get blitzed. He doesn't care about taste at this point.
Cailey: True. Wild Turkey it is.
Liz: They're driving along, evening wind ripping through their eerily similar hair.
Cailey: And Billy says: "We got an anonymous tip. Said be at Alec's house at midnight. So we're going. Who knows what'll happen."
Liz: Then he continues: "You really should put the bottle down. Your behavior is beyond destructive. You need to take it easy and talk to Jesus."
Cailey: And Daniel responds: "You're beginning to sound like Stephen. For real. Stop it."
Liz: Then he throws the empty bottle out of the car and into the roadside bushes.
Cailey: Their tires squeal as Billy hits the brakes right in front of Alec's secluded, gated estate.
Liz: All is calm. A million stars twinkle in the sultry night. There isn't a soul in sight.
Cailey: Daniel stumbles out of the car and immediately falls in a bush. Billy closes his door and takes a few tentative steps, looking around suspiciously. Is this an Ashton thing? Is this Punk'd? Why isn't anyone here?
Liz: Then Daniel extricates himself from the dastardly boxwood and looks toward the house. He thinks he's seeing things. Nightmarish whiskey mirages.
Cailey: Has he, perhaps, caught sight of the flag? Yes. Yes, indeed he has.
Liz: "Billy...what the fuck?" Says he.
Cailey: Billy sees it too and frowns. What the fuck, indeed. Is this a joke? A hoax? Is this what the anonymous tip was about? That their supposedly liberal brother is truly - *gasp* - a Nazi?
Liz: They stand there for a minute, like Vladimir and Estragon filling up time before an event that may or may not occur (is Alec Baldwin the much awaited Godot? We'll never tell).
Cailey: Then Daniel can't take anymore. He cracks another bottle.
Liz: And this time, Billy joins him. It's just too, too much.
Cailey: Then Billy takes out his cell phone and calls his wife to ask for advice. What to do in a situation like this?
Liz: Yes! Chynna Phillips, daughter of a Mama and a Papa, sister of a media-circuit gal.
Cailey: Don't you think he'd drink a finer whiskey? A Glenlossie? A Mortlach? A Teaninich? A Glenfarclas 1955?
Liz: Or maybe a Gimli? A Morgan Le Fey? How about a Rubeus Hagrid?
Cailey: If they made a Gimli whiskey I would drink nothing else. Ever. Not even water.
Liz: Daniel's drinking with intent to get blitzed. He doesn't care about taste at this point.
Cailey: True. Wild Turkey it is.
Liz: They're driving along, evening wind ripping through their eerily similar hair.
Cailey: And Billy says: "We got an anonymous tip. Said be at Alec's house at midnight. So we're going. Who knows what'll happen."
Liz: Then he continues: "You really should put the bottle down. Your behavior is beyond destructive. You need to take it easy and talk to Jesus."
Cailey: And Daniel responds: "You're beginning to sound like Stephen. For real. Stop it."
Liz: Then he throws the empty bottle out of the car and into the roadside bushes.
Cailey: Their tires squeal as Billy hits the brakes right in front of Alec's secluded, gated estate.
Liz: All is calm. A million stars twinkle in the sultry night. There isn't a soul in sight.
Cailey: Daniel stumbles out of the car and immediately falls in a bush. Billy closes his door and takes a few tentative steps, looking around suspiciously. Is this an Ashton thing? Is this Punk'd? Why isn't anyone here?
Liz: Then Daniel extricates himself from the dastardly boxwood and looks toward the house. He thinks he's seeing things. Nightmarish whiskey mirages.
Cailey: Has he, perhaps, caught sight of the flag? Yes. Yes, indeed he has.
Liz: "Billy...what the fuck?" Says he.
Cailey: Billy sees it too and frowns. What the fuck, indeed. Is this a joke? A hoax? Is this what the anonymous tip was about? That their supposedly liberal brother is truly - *gasp* - a Nazi?
Liz: They stand there for a minute, like Vladimir and Estragon filling up time before an event that may or may not occur (is Alec Baldwin the much awaited Godot? We'll never tell).
Cailey: Then Daniel can't take anymore. He cracks another bottle.
Liz: And this time, Billy joins him. It's just too, too much.
Cailey: Then Billy takes out his cell phone and calls his wife to ask for advice. What to do in a situation like this?
Liz: Yes! Chynna Phillips, daughter of a Mama and a Papa, sister of a media-circuit gal.
Cailey: The phone rings...but instead of Chynna, Mackenzie answers while screaming: "INCESTINCESTINCESTRAPERAPERAPE!"
Liz: Billy hangs up. "I hate wifey's family," he remarks to Daniel.
Cailey: Who responds by projectile vomiting up a liter or so of Wild Turkey.
Liz: Was it prompted by his body finally rejecting the liquor? Or by thinking of John and Mackenzie getting it on?
Cailey: A little bit of both, I reckon.
Liz: Then, as they continue to stand there, aimlessly, the two hapless brothers catch sight of a shadowy caped figure running lithely over the gabled rooftop and cackling to himself. The odor of desperation and church incense wafts from his general direction...
Cailey: Who could it be?! Daniel is worrying now that his coke was cut with too much detergent and that he's hallucinating some sick, fucked up pedo bear priest running over the house looking for wee lads to violate. He blames Billy for bringing this perversion into the otherwise upright Baldwin family.
Liz: But before his conjectures can get ever more inane, another car pulls up in the driveway!
Cailey: It's Alec, of course, looking handsome, dapper, and somehow fatherly.
Liz: OK, whoa, hold up Electra.
Cailey: Save it for Mackenzie.
Liz: Alec sights the flag. He spares half a second to glare accusingly at his incompetent brothers, then walks over and tears it down! Not a second thought! Down it comes!
Cailey: But before he can rip it in half, a veritable gang of paparazzi jump out of the bushes and take pictures of him holding the Nazi flag. At least two are covered in Daniel's puke. How did the two brothers not notice this Mongolian hoard of bottom-feeding paps?
Liz: Alec rips the flag in half, but the flashbulbs have stopped going off. PR nightmare! Why aren't they snapping this heroism in action?!
Cailey: "Take my picture, you puerile fools," Alec demands in a booming voice, "take it now, now that the flag is down and destroyed!"
Liz: "Nah, no can do" sez a pap "You didn't pay us for these shots, didja?"
Cailey: "Well then for God's sake, man, who did?" Alec cries dramatically, the flag a pile of tatters at his polished, well-heeled feet.
Liz: "I did" proclaims a voice from above. All heads swivel up to the roof. There stands Stephen!
Cailey: He's dressed all in black, wearing a cape and laughing maniacally.
Liz: Like all villains he talks about his scheme and how awesome it was: "I tricked you into coming here with anonymous phone calls, I planted the flag, I called the paps, your career as a precious liberal sympathizer is over, not to mention your run as a mediocre actor! Muahahahah!"
Cailey: He's dressed all in black, wearing a cape and laughing maniacally.
Cailey: Alec seethes with fury. Which affront to address first?!
Liz: It's obvious: "I. AM. NOT. A. MEDIOCRE. ACTOR" Alec booms.
Cailey: He lunges at Stephen. The two brothers duke it out.
Liz: The paparazzi catch the whole thing, including the moment when Alec lands a solid punch and knocks Stephen out cold.
Cailey: Let's take stock of things: the scene we've set involves a bloodied and angered Alec, a knocked-out Stephen, a vomit-covered Daniel, and a relatively unscathed but deeply confused Billy?
Liz: Correct! Along with some mercenary paps.
Cailey: I think at this point the paps, being mercenary, realize that printing pics of the whole, strange evening will sell many more gossip mags than one weird picture of Alec with a Nazi flag.
Liz: Stephen's plot is foiled! The day is saved!
Cailey: He'll have to found yet another extreme sports ministry to recover from the shame!
Liz: Spare us, please...
Cailey: But the good news is that Daniel is deeply inspired by Alec's handling of the situation.
Liz: He wants to be able to gloriously tear down the flag, instead of standing by and showering the shrubs with reeking vomit.
Cailey: So he goes to rehab - again - cleans up his act, and founds the "My-Brother-Tore-The-Nazi-Flag-Down Rehabilitation Clinic for Addicts Who Want To Be Heroes"
Liz: Which, weirdly, turns out to be a hugely successfully venture.
Cailey: And he saves many lives and has a great time doing it.
Liz: Spare us, please...
Cailey: But the good news is that Daniel is deeply inspired by Alec's handling of the situation.
Liz: He wants to be able to gloriously tear down the flag, instead of standing by and showering the shrubs with reeking vomit.
Cailey: So he goes to rehab - again - cleans up his act, and founds the "My-Brother-Tore-The-Nazi-Flag-Down Rehabilitation Clinic for Addicts Who Want To Be Heroes"
Liz: Which, weirdly, turns out to be a hugely successfully venture.
Cailey: And he saves many lives and has a great time doing it.
Liz: And the ballsy Baldwin Brothers lived happily ever after.
THE END
***UPDATED 5/12: A disturbing addendum!
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