OK, boys and girls...
We, the gals of TID, have a confession to make: we've been languishing in our StephEnie Meyer-esque conflict-less comfort zone for a while now, bundling up cozily and basking in the warmth of heroes we love. Brave individuals who tear it down without a second of hesitation.
But adulating idol worship, though awesome and necessary in certain situations, is not the main purpose of this blog. And we've failed you, dear readers.
We exist to call out the cretins. The dunces. The wishy-washy. The fuckwits. The folks who, when staring straight at a Nazi flag flying from the rafters of their home/apartment/ranch/castle/chateau/estancia/hovel allow the monstrosity to fly. They do not tear down the flag and destroy it then and there...
When faced with a red, white, and black swastika, you obliterate it, no questions asked. Right? RIGHT?!?
There are some out there who...we feel...disagree with that statement. Thus we write.
We brainstormed people who we thought wouldn't tear it down. And we came up with some rather surprising results. Without further ado, this week's less-than-laudatory TID...
Liz: Picture the scene: early Autumn in Wasilla, AK.
Cailey: Ahhhhhh! Noooo! Must we?
Liz: We must...
Cailey: Why can't we write about Jackson Rathbone? Campbell Brown? Elon Musk? Alan Ball? Jon Hamm? Christopher Hitchens? Jason Sudeikis? David Remnick? Landon Donovan???!?!?!
Liz: Because we're women on a mission. We have to expose the lily-livered mediocrity of the twenty-teens and force people to step up their game, think about where they stand in the great scheme of right and wrong, and increase their daily dose of good, old-fashioned courage. That's why.
Cailey: That's a hell of a mission statement. Can't we just go back to having crushes and writing about them? TWILIGHT FTW!!!
Liz: No. That's fine from time to time (ZOMFG, Seth MacFarlane, call me!!!! Good luck with your Big Band album!!!! ZOMFG, Jackson Rathbone, call Cailey!!!! Good luck with your band's tour!!!) but we can't subsist solely on that. It would be like eating nothing but Red Vines for a year. Fun, but no substance. Savvy?
Cailey: Fine.
Liz: Welcome to Wasilla. Population: 5,469. We're standing in front of the house inhabited by Levi and Bristol Johnston. And their strapping son Tripp.
Cailey: So...this takes place in the not-so-distant future? One where Levi and Bristol inevitably resolve their differences and get back together?
Liz: Yes.
Cailey: Gotcha.
Liz: Levi walks back to the house post-hunt...
Cailey: Remington slung over his shoulder...
Liz: A dead rabbit or two clutched in his ham hand.
Cailey: And what does he see fluttering in the North Wind?
Liz: A vomitrocious Nazi flag.
Cailey: Ugh, gross. This whole scenario is just distasteful.
Liz: He looks at the flag for a while...genuinely befuddled.
Cailey: His first thought is that it is a bad thing. Nothing deeper than that. Just flag = bad.
Liz: Which is a good reaction to have, even if it is understated. No outrage, no apoplectic rage. Just BAD.
Cailey: Neanderthal, really.
Liz: Really!
Cailey: But then he has a second thought to add to that first truly deep one...
Liz: He's seen some people his sort-of-Mother-in-Law hang out with from time to time...and they're allowed to use that symbol. And Sarah still loves them and lets them follow her around, even though they display that particular flag at their rallies and whatnot.
Cailey: So then he thinks maybe Sarah put the flag there...
Liz: And if it was HER doing then he couldn't possibly take any action.
Cailey: He's in the doghouse as it is for...you know...knocking up her daughter out-of-wedlock.
Liz: Trashing the family to sundry publications...
Cailey: Posing almost-completely-starkers for Playgirl...
Liz: Potentially also impregnating Bristol's bff from high school...
Cailey: Performing in mediocre music videos and trying to be an all-around famewhore...
Liz: So he can't tear it down! Alas! The ice he stands on is just too thin!
Cailey: He thinks people use the symbol nowadays to protest President Obama. And if he tore it down, it would look like HE supported the president. And he couldn't have Sarah thinking that...no, that wouldn't do. Not at all.
Liz: And yet there's a niggling voice in the back of his mind...
Cailey: The little spark of bravery and freedom that is all too often ignored by Man...
Liz: And it's saying "Pssssst. Levi. Tear it down! Tear it down! Tear it DOWN!"
Cailey: Everyone has better angels. Even Levi.
Liz: And just when he has decided that he can't risk tearing it down...
Cailey: He hears Bristol's Mommy Minivan pulling up the drive.
Liz: She's coming home from grocery shopping with Tripp.
Cailey: And before he can even think about what he's doing...
Liz: He drops his rabbits, runs over to the flag, and rips it down in one swift, decisive motion. You see, all he could think was "I don't want Bristol and Tripp to have to see that".
Cailey: That's kind of adorable.
Liz: I know. He ain't all bad, after all. Whodathunkit?
Cailey: But what does he do with the flag?
Liz: Stuffs it in the front pocket of his hockey jersey!
Cailey: It looks like he's rocking a little beer gut! A super sexy paunch...
Liz: That's what Bristol says when she finally gets Tripp out of the car seat.
Cailey: "Honey, I think it's time to lay off the moose jerky!"
Liz: Little does she know...sigh.
Cailey: And little does Levi know that there's actually ANOTHER Nazi flag on the other side of the house.
Liz: No!
Cailey: Yes! Levi missed one!
Liz: Who put TWO up? And WHY?
Cailey: Unclear.
Liz: Who will tear down the second flag?
Cailey: Well, Bristol and Levi have finished bringing in the groceries and are zonked in front of the TV watching a friend of theirs make their TV debut on Cops.
Liz: So...I guess they don't notice the second flag.
Cailey: Well, Levi got one...which is more than I expected, to be honest.
Liz: Yeah...we sort of failed in our stated mission.
Cailey: But wait! There's more! Another chance for a douchebag to show his true, pastel-hued Summer's Eve colors.
Liz: PHEW.
Cailey: For who is performing in relatively nearby Anchorage but "studly" yet "thoughtful" John Mayer?
Liz: And, after an encore of "Your Body is a Wonderland," and "Daughters"...during which every woman in the audience pulled off their parkas and threw their cozy flannel bras and panties at the stage...John decides to make his way to Wasilla to seek out a woman he knows will be the sexual napalm to end all sexual napalm: Sarah Palin.
Cailey: If he can get Bristol to join in, so much the better!
Liz: He's decked out in the Russian uniform, a la the male stars of "Who's Nailin Paylin?" It looks something like this, albeit with way more of a commie vibe:
Cailey: He's also got his guitar slung across his back - as a sensitive musician, he never knows when a song might need to be sung.
Liz: AND he's bearing a bouquet of shotguns - he knows he might need to soften up Sarah.
Cailey: And what better way to do it than with a tastefully-wrapped embodiment of her favorite amendment?
Liz: Surely Todd has never given her anything so nice. He's given her babies, sure, but a gun bouquet? Now THAT takes creative cojones.
Cailey: As John nears the house - decked out like a Cossack, guitar on back, flinty gun bouquet in hand - he spies something...perturbing.
Liz: 'Tis the other flag!
Cailey: He halts, confused."Whhhhoooooaaaa....maaaannn....where did this come from???" he says slowly.
Liz: Has he had a pre-seduction "herbal refreshment"? Puff, puff, puff...
Cailey: It's quite likely.
Liz: He ponders the flag more deeply. He's...moved by it. But he knows it's offensive...what should he do about it?
Cailey: The answer is clear...sort of.
Liz: "I must write a song about it!" John Mayer declares. "That will help me figure out what to do."
Cailey: Of course. What an excellent, proactive solution.........NOT.
Liz: He plops down in front of the house/flag, cradles his guitar and starts a-strumming.
Well I came up to Wasilla...
Lookin' for some fun,
But I what I found instead...
Man! It made me wanna run!
Oh, hey there Nazi flag!
Whatcha doing on this house?
Oh, hey there Nazi flag!
What should I do about you?
Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh... Nazi flag I see you
Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh...What you gonna make me do?
I should rip you to shreds...
Cause you make me see red...
But...I just smoked some weed.
And then...I peed.
And this snowbank is feeling fluffy soft...
So you and your swastika remain aloft.
Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh...Nazi flag, I see you
Ohhhh, ohhh, ohhh...What you gonna make me do?
Run for the hills and hide...
Seek comfort and solace inside....Sarah Palin.
Flag, you're just too far and I'm too high...
Oh flag...stupid flag...hateful flag...gross-out flag...
As long as my stash is intact...
Your day of reckoning...is...not...nigh....
Liz: And then he ends the song with like three chords strummed on his guitar.
Cailey: You know Liz, we didn't work very hard on those lyrics...
Liz: Which is why they're such an accurate representation of a hypothetical John Mayer song about encountering a Nazi flag in Wasilla.
Cailey: Too, too true.
Liz: Inspired by his lackluster composition, John decides to tweet about it to all his followers: "Up in Alaska performin 4 my peeps, wrote awesome song abt facing down Nazi flag. so real, man"
Cailey: Let's clarify that the "facing down" part of this scenario would be better defined as: "remaining in a tepid holding pattern"
Liz: His misrepresentations are irrelevant...because there's no reception in Wasilla.
Cailey: The tweet is dead in the water!
Liz: Unaware of this, John spends a good 10 minutes watching his twitter feed and wondering why no one has responded to his tweet.
Cailey: He has, at this point, almost completely forgotten about the flag itself, lost in the frustrating world of non-responsive cyperspace.
Liz: Just as he is about to start composing a song about not receiving enough Twitter-love, the distinctive sound of a helicopter landing interrupts his plans.
Cailey: Why it's good ol' Sarah herself, freshly returned from gunning down some wolves.
Liz: Mayer knows there are few things better than making love to a woman with fresh kills on her hands.
Cailey: Any remaining hold the flag might have had on his conscience - or even his awareness - disappears as he goes chasing after her.
Liz: And that friends, is some EPIC douchebaggery.
Cailey: No need to thank us!
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