Previously on Do Bad Things: Sam had just encountered a Nazi flag hanging outside Merlotte's...Terry and Lafayette reacted with PTSD and ennui, respectively...Jason vomited (but not because of the flag...because of the A-A-A-A-A-Alcohol)...and Bill had just made a motion to tear it down, when he was distracted by the arrival of Eric. As were Liz and Cailey...
Cailey: But now we're back! And I shall not allow myself to become distracted by that tall drink of water, that Norse god descended to earth, that...Liz what is happening in that photoshop project (above)?!
Liz: You likey?
Cailey: I'm simultaneously repulsed and aroused.
Liz: Mission accomplished!
Liz: A smackdown is more like it! Eric, although not possessed of a great moral compass himself, thinks he senses Sookie arriving.
Cailey: He knows she will find the flag distasteful and gross, so he moves to tear it down. To show her how, um, aware he is of right and wrong, despite his undead nature!
Liz: But Bill won't let Eric take all the glory. No sir! As Eric leaps towards the flag, Bill tackles him.
Cailey: It is some majorly hot vampire-on-vampire action! Fangs are OUT. Clothes are RIPPED TO SHREDS. This is an alpha male BRAWL!
Liz: Be still my beating heart...
Cailey: But they're so caught up in themselves, the flag remains over the bar, flapping in the faint night breeze.
Liz: Right, but Sookie is still a ways away. Vampire senses, you know. They can tell she's coming from miles away.
Cailey: I bet Sam is doing his best to...you know...ignore the feelings he feels watching Bill wrestle with Eric. Doing a different type of horizontal tango.
Liz: Yeah, he's trying to keep the excited barks and yips from escaping his mouth.
Cailey: He's not the only one barking at the Hot Vamp Duo. Lafayette is practically having to pick his tongue up off the ground.
Liz: Jason is the only one not moved. Because he's not moving. He passed out behind La-La's car.
Cailey: Oh, Jason.
Liz: So...how long does this fight go on?
Cailey: Well...you know they're both enjoying the physical contact. The chance to really fight a fellow vamp and hold nothing back.
Liz: Cailey, that picture makes no sense.
Cailey: Sense schmense! ERIC IN BATH THANK YOU PLEASE, KTHXBAI.
Liz: Oh, lordie. Focus!! Sookie is close...and getting steadily closer...
Cailey: So, one of them is going to have to emerge victorious...and fast!
Liz: Who will it be?
Cailey: Bill does a swift calculation in his mind. Forty seconds before Sookie pulls up to the Merlotte's parking lot in her silly yellow lawnmower car.
Liz: They've got forty seconds to declare a winner.
Cailey: Sam can smell her on the evening breeze rustling through the sycamore trees...
Liz: Eric pulls back, bares his fangs more intensely, then with a guttural grunt lunges toward Bill's throat...
Cailey: But Bill shifts his neck out of Eric's reach at just the right moment...
Liz: Eric's elbow connects with Bill's...man parts...
Cailey: He cries out in pain, flies up a few feet into the air, then comes crashing down on top of Eric's bare back.
Liz: He better start riding him bareback...
Cailey: My goodness gracious, that would be something...
Liz: At this point, Terry can hear Sookie's engine approaching (the mere mortal is always the last to know!)
Cailey: "Hey...hey guys...hey guys...can you stop? Please?" Terry says from his position on the ground.
Liz: He gets no response. This irritates him slightly. And just like that, Terry snaps out of it. This flag is a desecration. He MUST remove it.
Cailey: There's no one for him to use his snazzy army signals on, but he does it anyway.
Liz: His approach is stealthy, but certain. As Eric and Bill continue their increasingly homoerotic brawl...
Cailey: And Sam and Lafayette watch bemusedly...
Liz: Terry TEARS IT DOWN!
Cailey: All heads turn as they hear the whoosh of descending fabric!
Liz: Terry holds the flag in his hand, uncertain what to do next.
Cailey: When Sookie pulls into the parking lot...
Liz: FINALLY.
Cailey: Eager to end this wretched scene once and for all, Terry tosses the flag in the nearest garbage can, lights a match, and chucks it in.
Liz: What he's forgotten in his rush of triumph is...
Cailey: ...that's the trash can where they dump the lard and the vegetable oil from the deep fryer!
Liz: All that fat - and the flag - ignite like whoa! BOOOOOOM! FIREBALL, BITCHEZ!
Cailey: Sookie stomps out of the car, Alcide trailing behind, frowning, sexy and perplexed.
Liz: "Just what do y'all think you're doing?!" she demands, saucily but angrily.
Cailey: Why so pissy, Miss Stackhouse?
Liz: I mean...picture it from her perspective: Eric and Bill are mostly naked, bloody, disheveled, and pummeling each other. Jason is unconscious. And Terry just started a massive fire.
Cailey: Fair enough. "I just tore down a goddamn Nazi flag! HOO-AH!" Terry declares.
Liz: "A Nazi flag?!" Sookie is flabbergasted. Alcide puts a protective hand around her small shoulders. Bill and Eric both snarl, glory stolen. Defeat snatched from the jaws of Victory.
Cailey: Sookie frowns, but has a bigger problem to deal with...
Liz: The lard/oil fire is spreading! It threatens to engulf Merlotte's! Eric and Bill are in danger as the fire is spreading fast! The bar could be completely burned to the ground! Yeeeps!
Cailey: Oh, no! This is a catastrophe about to happen!
Liz: Lafayette does something completely unhelpful. He turns on his car's AWESOME stereo system, and blasts this, loud:
Cailey: Wow, that really is unhelpful.
Liz: Terry and Sam spring to action, in time to the beat of the music.
Cailey: But they don't fight fire with fire. They fight it by taking a sledgehammer to a nearby fire hydrant, letting water spurt all over the lard/oil fire.
Liz: The water also soaks our vampire fighters.
Cailey: Though...we wish they were vampire lovahs.
Liz: The water soaking makes them even glummer than they were before.
Liz: The fire is out, the flag is burned to a crisp, Terry has redeemed himself, Jason has woken up from his stupor, Lafayette has finished his dance party for one, Sookie has practically welded her hands to her hips, Sam and Terry are triumphant, and Alcide is taking it all in, smoldering like the still smoking trash cans.
Cailey: The flag is down! Hooray! They all win!
Liz: Cailey..?
Cailey: Yes Liz?
Liz: WAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! I miss True Blood already! Why do we have to wait a whole year for it to come back! BOOOOOOO! Alan Ball, you're CRUELCRUELCRUEL!!!
Cailey: Well, Liz, you know...life is full of difficulty, and shit that we have to put up with, and...well, I really believe that it makes us stronger in the end...
Liz: WAAAAAAAAAAHHH! Not helping! WAAAAAAAH!
Cailey: Well, think of it as...a year of foreplay leading up to the big fireworks next summer...you know, I really believe that life is like an Ikea toolkit mated unexpectedly with a lemur and a Shiba Inu in a strange, ridiculous threesome...
Liz: Oh, wait - don't finish that thought. I'm over it. 30 Rock just came on. I'm good. I'm good. Crisis averted. Liz Lemon has - once again - saved me. St. Liz of Lemon! Come to me in a vision! Tell me what my '30s will be like! Please!!
Cailey: Oh, good. Glad that hissy fit is over. Keep blessin' that Jell-O, Liz.
Liz: Will do. Will do. For what we're about to receive let us be truly thankful.
*squish*
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