Weirded out and rendered vaguely ill by that post heading? Fear not...we're just quoting/butchering Mel Brooks and The Producers...
And no, we're totally not suggesting that Nevada's own Sharron Angle is anything like Hitler. We'll shy away from the old Ad Hitlerum (AKA intelligent conversation kryptonite) malarkey at all costs. BUT...as what we've got going on in America right now is...well, how should we put this? A situation where people who are in favor of policies that really never push society forward (Have your rapist's baby and love him/her no matter what! Pay for that rabies shot with a chicken from your coop! Send all farm workers back from whence they came and live off nothing but fast food! Screw your anti-obesity initiatives First Lady Michelle Obama, vegetables are SOCIALIST!) We felt the need to put some of America's favorite tea partiers in our Sound of Music, flag tearing blender...just to see what will happen...
Are they with-it enough to remember the lessons of history and tear down the flag? Will they be too caught up in the crazy? Or will they just be sort of...blah and blasé about the whole thing? Nonplussed and non-responsive?
More on what it means that they're all reasonably attractive, toothy, white women later, when we hope to answer the question of why they all look like they came from the Andrew Breitbart Central Casting Agency...
there he is on his casting couch...
BUT FIRST! We must set the scene and see if the TP ladies will TID...
Cailey: Welcome to EtherAmerica in the future...
Liz: Uh-oh...is this a dystopian "what-will-happen-if-they-win" sort of thing?
Cailey: Yes.
Liz: Welcome to an America run by Tea Party candidates. I am genuinely terrified.
Cailey: In this future, you and I are either safely settled in Nova Scotia raising bees, writing poetry about Real Freedom, and running contraband prophylactics, cannabis, and Plan B into our former beloved homeland...
Liz: Zomg...
Cailey: ...or we're deep undercover, part of what's known as the Coffee Resistance.
Liz: Oh, boy! That sounds adventurous! And caffeinated!
Cailey: It's rough, perilous, occasionally terrifying work...but somebody's got to do it.
Liz: So let's see. Who is in charge of this Far Right America? We've got President Christine O'Donnell on a tour of America's public schools, sitting in on her one of her new initiatives, a mandatory class called "The Science of the Bible."
hush little T-Rex, don't say a word...
Cailey: And Vice President Sharron Angle is holding down the fort in D.C, currently comparing notes with the Ugandan president on how to best eradicate sodomy. Liz: Sarah Palin has taken on a Putin-esque role having finished her eight years as President. Really, she's in charge, and O'Donnell is president in name only.
Cailey: Sarah and Sharron are set to meet at the Vice President's residence, and President Christine is set to make a surprise entrance in Marine One.
Liz: Which is now actually an armed helicopter as well as an armored helicopter as the Christian Secret Service has to shoot down missiles from Domestic and Foreign Terrorists on an almost daily basis.
Cailey: This is terrifying.
Liz: I know.
Cailey: So they land behind the barbed wire gates of the Vice President's house.
Liz: They can hear the cries of the people they refer to as the "Welfare Wenches" from the other side of the electric fence...
Cailey: Even though welfare has been gone for so long it's naught but a distant memory.
Liz: Infant mortality rate is way up.
Cailey: Now that condoms are illegal, STDs are really deadly now. There are some virulent strains going around, and syphilis is back in a BIG way.
Liz: Yeah, leg sores are the new Prada purse.
Cailey: Gross.
Liz: Child abandonment is through the roof.
Cailey: Rape goes unreported in big cities because the women fear being ostracized by their Mandatory Churches for "letting it happen," "inviting it," or "dressing too provocatively."
Liz: Even though you get a tax credit if you're an unmarried virgin who wears a chaste scarf over her head and takes a monthly virginity-proof test at one of the many new Medical Churches.
Cailey: Barter is so popular the Dollar has been steadily losing value.
Liz: Relic iPods and iPads are actually the most common currency...also all foreign-produced alcohols.
Cailey: You can buy an old Escalade for ten iPods and a case of Stoli, but it won't do you any good because...
Liz: There's no GAS!
Cailey: None. Unless you want to go fish it out of the Gulf yourself.
Liz: Which people do...it's common. They're called Gas Creepers. It's a terrible, dirty, difficult job but somebody has to do it! The ambulances - at least - have to run on something!!!
Cailey: Liz, this dystopian vision is weighing greatly upon my delicate spirit. I would almost rather go live with the Ewoks than deal with this any more.
Liz: Um...Cailey, the Ewoks are supposed to be cute and delightful.
Cailey: Wait...really?
Liz: Yes.
Cailey: I don't believe you! I mean...just look at that:
Liz: Fair enough. It's pretty terrifying...But don't blame me for George Lucas' fail(s).
Cailey: Fine, fine. I admit it - I'm just avoiding having to talk about this grim, bleak potential future any more.
Liz: BUT WE MUST. DESCRIBE IT WE SHALL! Only by facing it can we avoid such a fate!
Cailey: Ok Gandalf/Yoda...I see your point, though it pains me to admit it.
Liz: I'll take what I can get! Back at Number One Observatory Circle, the triumvirate has assembled.
Cailey: What's on the policy docket today?
Liz: The Gold Standard, bien sur!
Cailey: Ahh the good ol' Gold Standard. Sarah, Christine and Sharrrrron are waiting for Treasury Secretary Rand Paul to arrive so they can discuss how to implement this long-time fiscal passion.
Liz: But as they walk outside to partake in a little relaxing pre-meeting target practice, they notice something...strange.
Cailey: "Well gosh," says Palin. "I haven't seen one of those since the 2012 Tea Party convention."
Liz: "Isn't it supposed to have Obama's face next to it?" asks Angle.
Cailey: "Actually..." says O'Donnell, "that symbol predates Obama. It was originally used by the Nazis in Germany."
Liz: Huh, that degree was a looong time in coming, but I guess she actually learned something at Fairleigh Dickinson!
Cailey: Even if she left out the several millennia-worth of swastika history that lead up to its irreversible corruption by Hitler and Co.
Liz: She got one answer right. Color me surprised.
Cailey: So what we have before us is an ether-world in which three bouffanted women have achieved positions of extreme power and are regarding a giant Nazi flag hanging from the Vice Presidential residence.
Cailey: I really want to believe that - as much as I disagree with almost everything they stand for and believe - they would still tear the flag down. They're women - women who've achieved a lot (even in the real world - not the ether) and, as a woman, I want to not hate them. I want to have solidarity with them. I want to cheer them on...
Liz: I understand how you feel, but...
Cailey: ...but they're SO awful! It's so frustrating and upsetting that some of the most high-profile women in politics today are these bloody morons who take pride in their own stupidity. Like being vapid is a badge of honor.
Liz: And they're almost riding their looks into politics the same way women ride their looks into careers in the entertainment industry.
Cailey: Because for all intents and purposes, politics IS entertainment now. It's obscene.
Liz: But so hard to pull away from. I can't not watch. I can't not be caught up. I can't not be entertained by political theater...I'm part of the problem...gaah!
Cailey: Anyway, back at the ranch...and by ranch I mean the Naval Observatory...our Lipstick Dictators in the new, EtherAmerica are staring up at the flag.
Liz: Sarah Palin says: "Is it a gift?"
Cailey: Christine O'Donnell says: "I don't think so. I definitely don't think it's a good thing."
Liz: Oh, good job Christine. Sharp as a tack, that one.
Cailey: Sharron Angle says: "Should I call someone to take care of it? One of the Indentured Servants?"
Liz: Indentured Servitude is back in this future, too? Oh, man. What, to give the illusion of lowering the unemployment numbers, they just took a chunk out of the non-working population and called them "apprentices"?
Cailey: They've taken us waaaaaaay backward.
Liz: Indeed!
Cailey: So do they tear down the flag or not?
Liz: No...they truly just freeze in inaction. This is out of their normal 'things-to-deal-with' zone, and since they really don't know much about mid-20th century history, they don't have any strong feelings toward the flag. It just sort of fades into their background, they acknowledge it's presence, and move on to their luncheon meeting with Rand Paul.
Cailey: The meal is, of course, served by one of President O'Donnell's unpaid "assistants", a young POW from the California War of Secession.
Liz: HA! Of course California tried to secede once the Far Right blew into Washington, D.C.
Cailey: 'Tis a pity they did not succeed.
Liz: Anyway, the "assistant" serves the venison burgers and the Freedom Fries.
Cailey: All vegetables - save the potato - have been outlawed. Tomatoes are only legal in ketchup form.
Liz: Now this is getting ridiculous...
Cailey: And the "assistant" - we'll call her Rita - looks up at the Nazi flag visible out the window.
Liz: She makes sure the hidden camera surgically implanted in her right earlobe catches it too, transmitting an illicit, illegal signal out of the Vice Presidential home.
Cailey: The microphone in her left ear picks up her faint whisper.
Liz: She barely breathes: "Nazi flag spotted. Repeat, Nazi flag spotted. What action to take? Repeat...what action to take?'
Cailey: And...all the way across the country...over the Heartland that elected these smiling monsters...underneath the heartrending ruins of what was once San Francisco...Rita's words come through loud and clear...
Liz: Sitting around a worn round table in a dimly lit, smoky room with maps all over the walls, three operatives of the Coffee Resistance grimace upon hearing Rita's words.
Cailey: One - Resistance Captain Amy Klobuchar...
Liz: Formerly United States Senator Amy Klobuchar...
Cailey: Yes, Democratic-Senator-Turned-Badass-Resistance-Fighter-Amy-Klobuchar throws down her leather glove and grimaces at this news...
Liz: Her companion, Rachel Maddow, adjusts her eye patch, and sets aside her current project (putting the final touches on her sequel to Common Sense).
Cailey: Then they both turn to receive orders from their General...
Liz: The woman who runs the heroic Coffee Resistance with an iron fist in a velvet glove: General Hillary Clinton!
Liz: General Clinton knocks back a shot of mid-morning whiskey and fixates on a point in the middle distance...
Cailey: Steely resolve in her voice, she growls...
Liz and Cailey: TEAR. IT. DOWN.
Cailey: Oh, that gave me shivers.
Liz: Me too!
Cailey: So Rita tore it down?
Liz: Yep! Then she threw it over the wall so the Welfare Wenches could use it to staunch the bleeding and pus-seeping from their syphilitic sore wounds.
Cailey: Ew, Liz, that's gross...
Liz: Sorry.
Cailey: I need to go hug a panda in order to recover from wallowing in this bog of dystopian misery.
Liz: But in order to hug a panda, you have to go to China. Which is its own special dystopian bog.
Cailey: SHIT
And so, unable to seek consolation in the warm embrace of a panda, we must content ourselves with the following, which we would also like to offer as a Public Service Announcement to Palin, Angle and O'Donnell. IT'S NOT TOO LATE!
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