We aren't the happiest of froggies this evening after yesterday's midterm election. Sure, we knew it was coming, but that doesn't stop us from being disappointed and a little apprehensive.
Well, at least here in California we can take the edge off with some newly legal "herbs"...
...oh wait...
...we can't...
...crap...
Next best thing? MUPPETS!!
But as we all know, when the dog bites, when the bee stings, when we're feeling sad, we simply remember our favorite things and then we don't feel so bad...today we're forced to bring out the big guns: Kermit and Krew.
Liz: I can't stop crying!
Cailey: Liz! It 'aint easy being...blue.
Liz: Through my tears I'm seeing RED.
Cailey: Then let us look past these primary colors! What is that I spy?! A gaggle of Muppets?!
Liz: Are you sure that isn't a last season Lady Gaga?
Cailey: Nay! It is surely the Muppets.
Liz: No I daresay it's an epic shag rug.
Cailey: Liz! Once and for all, it's MUPPETS. Now, can we get on with this?
Liz: Yesyes! We find ourselves in Austria, the latest stop in the European leg of the Muppets' Sound of Music World Tour, aka "The Muppets Take Schnitzel Island."
Cailey: Oh boy. Fozzie must've thought of that one. Waka waka waka!
Liz: This time for Africaaaa!
Cailey: What's next? Vuvuzelas?!
Liz: I'll behave!
Cailey: So...the Muppets are sauntering along the Salzburg strasse, en route to the theatre, where they will be conducting their dress rehearsal. Miss Piggy is already belting "The Hills are Alive."
Liz: Kermit is furrowing his little green brow. And his little green mouth. Like so:
Liz: Of course! And Piggy is playing Maria.
Cailey: And Liesl...
Liz: And, upon her rather violent insistence, the Baroness.
Cailey: zomg Piggy! She's a part-hog!
Liz: Huh? Is that a play on warthog?
Cailey: I mean...she's hogging all the parts! har har...
Liz: Anyhoo...let's get back to casting.
Cailey: Rowlf is, of course, playing Rolf.
Liz: Fozzie is Uncle Max.
Cailey: Animal is Gretl. natch.
Liz: And now for the rest of the kids...let's see if I can get their names straight:
Louisa = Janice
Friedrich = Pepe the Prawn
Brigitta = Gonzo
Kurt = Sam the Eagle
Marta = Rizzo the Rat
Cailey: There really is a dearth of lady Muppets!
Liz: Which means Beaker is playing Mother Superior.
Cailey: And the nuns are played by Henrietta the Chicken and her poultry sorority.
Liz: Is this sort of brilliant...or is it just me? Imagine the chickens squawking "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?" bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok bok...
Cailey: Liz! Keep a lid on it until we drop our first album: T.I.D on the M.I.C!
Cailey: Piggy screams!
Liz: This is not unusual.
Cailey: But today - there is good cause. Henrietta starts flapping her chicken wings in despair.
Liz: Gonzo holds her close, murmuring calming words in her wee chicken ear.
Cailey: "Oh no that's very very bad!" exclaims Kermit.
Liz: But what does he see? Could our sweet Muppets really be gazing upon something so grotesque, so vile?
Cailey: Indeed they could. It's the loathsome flag, tacked up above the stage door.
Liz: Miss Piggy wastes no time..."HIYYYAAAA!" she cries, attacking it with a karate kick!
Cailey: But all she does is dent the door with her stiletto heel. She's too short a pig!
Liz: Animal succeeds in violently shredding the bottom third of the flag, when he attacks it in a typical frenzy. But he too can't reach the top.
Cailey: But Kermit...has some good, bouncy frog legs, as we learned from Doc Hopper in The Muppet Movie.
Liz: He leaps in the air with a sproing!
Cailey: He tears it down with his thin frog arms.
Liz: As the Muppets cheer, the enemy symbol vanquished, the Swedish Chef stands ready with his pot of destruction.
Cailey: From which Gonzo has just rescued Henrietta...again.
Liz: Kermit puts the flag in the pot - as Miss Piggy clings worshipfully to his leg, Leia-style - and lets the Swedish Chef work his calamitous culinary magic.
Cailey & Liz: Bork! Bork! Bork!
Liz: He seasons the flag with two cups of olive oil (the recipe calls for two teaspoons), a bucket of cooking wine...some sambuca...and a match!
Cailey: It's a flaming stew of evil! Flag flambé.
Liz: Filled with triumphant spirit, the Muppets gather together around the licking flames, as Beaker leads them in a glorious reprise of "Climb Ev'ry Mountain."
Cailey: It looks something like this...
Liz: They finish the song, arm in arm, not a dry eye among them. Miss Piggy sighs audibly, "Oh Kermie, you did it!"
Cailey: "We did it!" says Gonzo, clutching Henrietta, blowing his nose with a honk.
Liz: Suddenly, the stage door bursts open!
Cailey: They all jump with shock!
Liz: It's Scooter, their stalwart stage manager, looking seriously displeased.
Cailey: He looks up above the door, perplexed.
Liz: "Guys, where's the flag for Act 2?!," he asks. "Dr. Honeydew spilled some of his Schwammerlgulasch on it and we had to wash it and hang it up to dry before the show."
Cailey: The Muppets avert their eyes, sheepishly. "Kermit did it!" Miss Piggy says in her most irritated guttural tones.
Liz: Scooter sighs and shakes his head. Such is the life of a stage manager.
Cailey: Liz - will you look at that?! Can you believe we forgot all our election day woes?!
Liz & Cailey: THANKS MUPPETS!!
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