An Open Letter to Santa

Dear Santa Claus,

We realize our absence from the blogosphere might have bumped us over to the naughty list, but we want you to know that we fully intend to be Good Little Bloggers™ next year in hopes that you will bring us everything on our Christmas list.

Now you might well say, "Ho, ho, ho young Liz and Cailey...what is it you could possibly yearn for? What could you want that you don't already have?"

We don't ask for unicorns, or as-yet-unreleased Apple gadgets, or even private audiences with certain sparklevamps dressed as St. Nick. If you're reading this, you will have noticed by now that our tastes run more to the....eclectic.

Without further ado, we present Cailey and Liz's Funtimes Christmas List:

1) For James Franco to STOP. It's really enough already. S-T-O-P! This bad performance art needs to end. Surely even Marina Abramovic would agree. We re-watched Tristan + Isolde (aka: one of our favorite movies) recently, and came to the conclusion that it would be a truly, truly, truly fantastic movie were it not for James's sulky, hunchy, invisible necky, bad broody presence. Perhaps he's gotten better since that epic romance was filmed (he is going to be nom-nom-nominated for an Oscar after all for sawing off his own arm in 127 Hours) but somehow we doubt it. And now he's going to be co-hosting the Oscars with Princess Mia?! James...the time has come. STOP.
  

2) We're sick of Romeo and Juliet serving as the paragon of love in our modern era. Love shouldn't be simpering. Vapid. Doomed to failure from the start. Love should be an argument...a conversation...a good-natured battle of wits.  Let's try using our preferred Shakespearean duo - Beatrice and Benedick - as a model for perfect modern love and see how many teen suicides/bad Taylor Swift songs we can avert.

3) The time has come for Justin Bieber to broker peace between North and South Korea.

Everything went downhill after he didn't start his world tour there earlier this year, and if there's one thing the two halves of that storied peninsula can agree on, it's that Bieber is "SOOOOOO CUUUUTTTEEEE."

4) SNL needs to fire its writing staff. Starting with Mr. Sardines.

5) Channeling Barbara Bush: Sarah Palin needs to stay in Alaska. Great views. So many wolves!

6) Don't judge us, but we secretly really want Glenn Beck to fall off the wagon in a fiery whiskey fireball and end up having a torrid affair with Lindsay Lohan in rehab. Gross. But we choose that as the best potential scandale of 2011. Make it so.

7) For the Dream Act to pass! Sí se puede! Come on bi-partisanship!

8) For Obama to keep his recently-revived mojo. 

9) For Open-toed booties to Get. Out. Of. Our. Faces. If we wanted an open-toed shoe, we would buy one. A sassy pump, not a schizophrenic piece of quasi-outerwear. Sweet Taylor Lautner's abs, is it too much to ask for a closed-toe bootie?!

10) An invite to Bill Clinton's 65th. We hear Hillary is doing a keg stand. 

We seriously would pull a 127 Hours and saw off our own arms for an invite to this shindig.

11) And last but certainly not least: For Julie Andrews to be happy! She is now a widow, and we mourn the passing of her husband with sadness...not only for her sake, but because Blake Edwards was an awesome guy. We know this is a tough time for her, and we can't bear the thought of our Julie being upset or depressed! We love her too much! So join us in a Yuletide prayer for the one and only Maria Von Trapp to find consolation and happiness in 2011.

Happy Christmas!

Love,

Liz and Cailey

P.S: Dear Sparkle Santa: If you also want to send Ian Somerhalder our way, we wouldn't complain...