Robsten: The Power - The Glory - The Angst

Let's set something straight. We're not here to speculate on the existence of a passionate young love affair between on-screen eternal mates Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. We're simply present today in our official capacity as TID philosophettes with a completely healthy perspective and critical distance regarding the Twilight Saga phenomenon.


Wait. Who are we kidding?

Like Bella trying to deny her love for Jacob, we have tried to deny our feelings for the Twilight Saga books/movies and our intense interest in the minutiae of the lives of its young stars. Why fight it any longer? Let's have an intense make-out session RIGHT NOW, tacky engagement ring be damned!


Whoops...minor spoiler. Sorry! At any rate, we like Twilight. A lot. In fact, one of us may or may not have already seen Eclipse...twice...since it opened at 12:01am on Wednesday... (if that's not Twi-hard territory, we don't know what is!) Today, however, we will be attempting to control ourselves and to separate fantasy from reality, as we postulate how Robert Pattinson (not Edward) and Kristen Stewart (not Bella) would face the flag. Will this devolve into intense speculation over the status of their real-life romance, with some allusions made to Taylor Lautner's neck muscles and completely endearing love for The Olive Garden? Probably...but we'll fight it as long as we can...

Liz: I know we're not much older than RPatz or KStew, but I feel such a maternal need to protect them from the shitstorm they walk through when they do movie publicity. I don't want them to have to deal with the flag. They have so much to grapple with already!
Cailey: I'm right there with you. I want to hide the flag, hug them and give them some tea. And then ask them about how they're planning to prepare for the Breaking Dawn sex scenes...
Liz: Cailey! Control yourself!
Cailey: Sorry! Sorry! I know. If we really wanted to give them a break we wouldn't mention Twilight at all over our tea and sandwiches. They're so sick of it all. We would talk about...oh, I don't know...what would we talk about?
Liz: Well...what else do we know they like?
Cailey: Um...grunge rock? Wearing short dresses with Converse? The pursuit of the serious craft of acting?
Liz: Really?
Cailey: Um...
Liz: I guess we would have to talk about Twilight. Huh. 
Cailey: Whatever. They'll have to face the flag because they have to tear it down. 
Liz: But...are they going to? 
Cailey: Are you suggesting that they wouldn't? 
Liz: Well, I...
Cailey: LIZ! THIS IS ROBSTEN WE'RE TALKING ABOUT! OF COURSE THEY WOULD TEAR DOWN THE FLAG!! 
Liz: Whoa, whoa...I only meant...
Cailey: THERE IS NO UNIVERSE IN WHICH THEY WOULD NOT TEAR IT DOWN!
Liz: Ohhhhhhkkkkkaaaaaaayyyy....temper your ire. There is...and believe me I say this with the greatest of love for them both...there is the slightest chance that they would be just too...awkward - gawky - caught up in each other - caught up in the moment - deer in the headlights - totally caught off guard, thinking it was a publicity stunt - to do it. To actually go through with it. To take the flag by the corners and rip it to shreds. Think about it rationally. I'm right.

(awkward pause)

Cailey: Hmmm...maybe. 
Liz: You know it. 

(less awkward pause)

Cailey: But they would GET OVER IT AND TEAR IT DOWN!!!!
Liz: Fine. I capitulate. There is no universe in which they would not tear it down. 
Cailey: That's RIGHT! You'd BETTER BELIEVE IT! 
Liz: *grumblegrumblegrumble*
Cailey: So now that's settled, let's set the scene...
Liz: I'm picturing them walking back to the Isle of Wight house in which they may or may not have been vacationing.
Cailey: They're strolling along, looking unwashed and happy, cooing at each other in loving, awkward monosyllables.

Liz: When what to their wondering eyes does appear?!
Cailey: But a horrible evil sight upon their idyllic English beach house!
Liz: They both stare at it - mutely - disgusted and bewildered. 
Cailey: Kristen is the first to speak: "Rob, do you think this a warning from the producers about us getting too much sun?"
Liz: Rob shakes his greasy head slowly, as he begins to absorb the full horror of the situation.
Cailey: "No, my sweet Bel...I mean Kristen," he murmurs, "I think this is something far worse!"
Liz: They gaze at each other, at the same time awkward and passionate. All they wanted was a vacation! Freedom from the relentless scrutiny! 
Cailey: Speaking of which, I really feel the need to pause for a moment and defend Kristen for the "rape" comment she made. Yes, it was perhaps an unfortunate choice of words, but the endless, aggressive violations of her privacy have to be extremely awful. Especially since I don't think any of the Twilight cast knew the madness they were signing up for - no one expected it to be so insanely successful. Or even for the sequels to be made! To have to deal with all of that, with people watching, analyzing, and spinning every word you say? The scrutiny from crazy obtrusive fans, paparazzi, moms, etc? I can't even imagine what that's like! The poor poor thing! She just wants to act and maybe smoke some pot. Is that so much to ask?
Liz: Good rant. Purge it lest it fester. Got it all out of your system?
Cailey: Ummm....I think so...yes...yes I have. Phew! Onwards!
Liz: Back on the Isle (not of Esme!), they're still processing the flag's revolting presence. 
Cailey: Kristen is resolved: "Rob, we have to tear it down!"
Liz: Rob is hesitant: "Um, I don't know if I have enough upper body strength to do that! We need Taylor!" He looks at his arms mournfully.

Cailey: "Rob! Will you stop with your insane British self-deprecation/body dysmorphia and help me here?!" Kristen demands.
Liz: Rob gives Kristen a teetering leg up and she successfully TEARS IT DOWN. 
Cailey: She collapses into his arms and the flag flutters to the ground as their eyes - and then their lips! - lock. 
Liz: It's like lightning strikes them each and every time they kiss. An addicting rush of pure power and energy.
Cailey: It makes them forget about the flag...momentarily. 
Liz: Until Rob tries to lower Kristen slowly and gently to the ground to get a little closer to...well, you know..."treasure hunting".
Cailey: He pulls back to admire her. But instead of seeing his darling on a bed of beautiful, lush, green grass and maybe some little blue flowers - 
Liz: OK, now you're just describing the Twilight meadow - 
Cailey: He lays her down on the grotesque red and black flag, and is shocked - shocked! - at how sick the image makes him feel. A punch to the gut.
Liz: "Get up, get up, get up," he breathes desperately, and runs his deft musician's fingers through his dirty, tousled hair, disrupting some of the new, never-before quantified biological life forms that had taken up residence there. 
Cailey: You're so mean. Poor Rob. His hair is glorious. 

Liz: Mean but right. If scientists analyzed his hair - in person - they would discover all kinds of new organisms. 
Cailey: And if I analyzed his hair - in person - I would discover all kinds of new orgasms...
Liz: Cailey! 
Cailey: I only speak the truth. 
Liz: Moving on. So Kristen gets up from her reclining position atop the flag and looks down. 
Cailey: "What are we gonna do?" she asks Rob, threading her fingers through her flowing locks. It's all about hair with these two.
Liz: He frowns and massages his chin. She looks expectantly at him.
Cailey: They stay like that for a long, long time. Overly long. 
Liz: Finally Rob takes a deep breath, like he's about to speak, lifts an index finger...then thinks better of it and deflates like a punctured tire. 
Cailey: Finally, Kristen's interior monologue veers away from Holy Shit The Man Is Fine! Jump Him NOW! and into Whoa! Wake The Fuck Up! There's A Nazi Flag A Foot Away From You! Do Something About It! 

Liz: Miraculously, she pulls her eyes away from Rob's and picks up the flag. 
Cailey: But she too also suffers somewhat in the upper body strength category...
Liz: ...although, don't get us wrong - we love her lack of scary Kelly Ripa-esque arms!
Cailey: Thankfully, someone with biceps to spare suddenly appears!
Liz: Could it be?!
Cailey: Taylor Lautner TO THE RESCUE!
Liz: "Give that to me," he declares, and then flings the flag out to sea with all his considerable might. 
Cailey: It's halfway to France already!
Liz: Rob and Kristen sigh in relief and decide that it's time to reward Taylor for all his hard work and boundless enthusiasm.
Cailey: "You're not staying with your parents tonight!" Rob declares with a sexy half-smile.
Liz: And so, arm-in-arm, they head back to the now flag-free Robsten beach home for some...
Cailey: Tea and crackers. 
Liz: Exactly. Mmmmm....what a scene.