Let us all suspend disbelief for a moment and take politics entirely out of the equation before we delve into this prickly, prickly Friday flag-tearing-down scenario...
Yes, we know...Temporarily suppressing the political animal is a Herculean effort, especially when staring right at the smug mug of Glenn Lee Beck, b. 1964. It's hard for us too. We follow politics like pint-chugging Liverpudlians follow soccer/footie/the beautiful game. Like hawt hawt Kiwi men with borderline frightening musculature and skin kissed by the wicked sun follow rugby. Like us brawny Americans in team jerseys eating guacamole and following OUR GRRRRRRR FOOTBALL. Yes we are girls. Yes we occasionally use sports metaphors. Stop the presses and call the AP.
There might be a Darwin fish stuck to the rear-end of one of our (fuel-efficient) cars. One of us might, in fact, have thought for a rather long time that the Darwin fish was the original kind of car fish.
Pulling politics out of the equation when faced with this douche is TOUGH. But for right now...let's try it and see what happens. We're equal opportunity TID-scenario generators. Let it not be said that we're blinded by ideology.
OK, so...make like you're a political tabula rasa in 3...2...1...
*ahem*
On paper (and believe us - ONLY on paper) Glenn Beck should be just the sort of thoughtful and sensitive man who tears down the flag with haste and considered gravitas. He should be the sort of man that makes us sit up and take notice, reminding us that every so often a feeling, perceptive sort of hero comes along in real life. He should be a Renaissance Man to be applauded for his mastery of various media and his drive to succeed...
He has accomplished things that (again, on paper only) we should like and laud...
He has written multiple bestselling books. Literacy and audience-savvy are good traits in a man, eh?
OK, so...make like you're a political tabula rasa in 3...2...1...
*ahem*
On paper (and believe us - ONLY on paper) Glenn Beck should be just the sort of thoughtful and sensitive man who tears down the flag with haste and considered gravitas. He should be the sort of man that makes us sit up and take notice, reminding us that every so often a feeling, perceptive sort of hero comes along in real life. He should be a Renaissance Man to be applauded for his mastery of various media and his drive to succeed...
He has accomplished things that (again, on paper only) we should like and laud...
He has written multiple bestselling books. Literacy and audience-savvy are good traits in a man, eh?
He owns his own production company. Leadership skills are good traits in a man, eh?
He is a man not afraid to cry, not too proud to show his softer side to the world. Sensitivity is a good trait in a man, eh?
He went through a tough divorce (alcoholic ex-wife), was an alcoholic himself, and suffered through two suicides in his family, leaving him emotionally scarred, unable to love, etc... etc...etc...That's some A+ Harlequin novel backstory material, eh? Just begging to be loved, eh? eh? EH?!
But he's just SUCH A DICK. BEYOND DICK! WORDS CAN'T BEGIN TO DESCRIBE THE DICKISHNESS!
Exhibit A:
And it has nothing to do with politics. Really.
Cailey: So...he sees the flag and probably feels at home, instantly, not because he's a Nazi or anything...
Liz: Although he does like talking about them...
Cailey: But because he thinks some fool Tea Partay Poop Head put it there to make a statement.
Liz: As in - those damn SOCIALISTS are taking over our once-proud country!
Cailey: He'd start getting majorly worked up! Ready to make a speech!
Liz: To rally the troops that had been rallied by right wing strategists posing as grassroots organizers!
Cailey: He wouldn't know whether to cry or run for his blackboard to explain everything using convenient anagrams...
Liz: Would he ever pause to wonder why exactly the flag was there?
Cailey: He'd probably just think the tea partayers had brought their latest protest shindig to his house. He would think this completely natural. After all, he is their grand high poobah.
Liz: Or maybe he'd think it was some sort of surprise book party? Let's not forget the cover of one of his latest masterpieces...
He is a man not afraid to cry, not too proud to show his softer side to the world. Sensitivity is a good trait in a man, eh?
He went through a tough divorce (alcoholic ex-wife), was an alcoholic himself, and suffered through two suicides in his family, leaving him emotionally scarred, unable to love, etc... etc...etc...That's some A+ Harlequin novel backstory material, eh? Just begging to be loved, eh? eh? EH?!
But he's just SUCH A DICK. BEYOND DICK! WORDS CAN'T BEGIN TO DESCRIBE THE DICKISHNESS!
Exhibit A:
And it has nothing to do with politics. Really.
Cailey: So...he sees the flag and probably feels at home, instantly, not because he's a Nazi or anything...
Liz: Although he does like talking about them...
Cailey: But because he thinks some fool Tea Partay Poop Head put it there to make a statement.
Liz: As in - those damn SOCIALISTS are taking over our once-proud country!
Cailey: He'd start getting majorly worked up! Ready to make a speech!
Liz: To rally the troops that had been rallied by right wing strategists posing as grassroots organizers!
Cailey: He wouldn't know whether to cry or run for his blackboard to explain everything using convenient anagrams...
Liz: Would he ever pause to wonder why exactly the flag was there?
Cailey: He'd probably just think the tea partayers had brought their latest protest shindig to his house. He would think this completely natural. After all, he is their grand high poobah.
Liz: Or maybe he'd think it was some sort of surprise book party? Let's not forget the cover of one of his latest masterpieces...
Cailey: True! There are a disturbing number of ways he could/would rationalize the presence of a Nazi flag on his house.
Liz: Whatever the explanation his half-baked mind settled upon, he would definitely consider it not as a literal Nazi flag, but as some sort of political statement against Democrats, Obama, health care reform, etc.
Cailey: And, obviously a call-to-arms for him to continue his fight against these aforementioned evils.
Liz: So...we sort of started talking about politics by accident...didn't we?
Cailey: Whoops. How long did we last? That was a pretty terrible showing...
Liz: Whatever. Let's soldier on. Let's go back to him torn between crying and finding his blackboard.
Cailey: He looks up at the flag, eyes shining with pride. Oh, what a clever stunt his Tea Partay followers pulled.
Liz: He wonders "Where is everybody? Aren't they going to come congratulate me for being such a fine leader?"
Cailey: He looks behind a rock. Nobody there. Where are they going to jump out from and yell "Surprise!"
Liz: Or..."Achtung!"
Cailey: He wouldn't wonder that. He'd wonder what the buffet spread will contain.
Liz: Now, now. No ad hominems.
Cailey: We're past that. We're ad hitlerum and then some.
Liz: While Glenn Beck is a lot of things, he can't be a total idiot, right? He knows this symbol represents all that is heinous. He knows it is not be tolerated in any way, shape, or form.
Cailey: He wonders if the Tea Partayers have finally gone too far...
Liz: His better angels whisper in his ear: "Tear it down! Tear it down! Tear it down!"
Cailey: He takes a tentative step forward in his squeaky clean Converse.
Liz: He has every intention of removing the flag and issuing a sternly worded reprimand to his flock. They crossed the line. Even cable newsmen have societal responsibilities. He knows that, right?
Cailey: I'd LIKE to think that. But what do you really think he'd do next?
Liz: A grave thought flits through his mind. He stops in his tracks.
Cailey: This is the new American reality: do you hate Obama? Show that hate to the world with a Nazi flag. Glenn's responsibility is to be a voice for "Real America". If this is a symbol of their discontent...
Liz: ...how can he in good conscience tear it down?
Cailey: Tears sting his eyes. His burden is so great.
Liz: Real tears. Not his on-air crocodile tears.
Cailey: I wonder if they are written into the show's script: "cue Glenn crying"?
Liz: Thoughts of his great mission to overthrow the evil Lib'ruls fill his mind, leaving no room for thoughts of the flag.
Cailey: There isn't that much room in there anyway.
Liz: He shuffles inside, consumed by thoughts of his mission. There are Tea Partays to plan, trees of liberty to water, and odes to Sarah Palin to compose.
Cailey: A breeze stirs...
Liz: The flag flutters...
FIN
And...in case that was just too, too distasteful and disturbing for y'all...here are some handy antidotes:
And now, for something completely different:
Liz: Whatever the explanation his half-baked mind settled upon, he would definitely consider it not as a literal Nazi flag, but as some sort of political statement against Democrats, Obama, health care reform, etc.
Cailey: And, obviously a call-to-arms for him to continue his fight against these aforementioned evils.
Liz: So...we sort of started talking about politics by accident...didn't we?
Cailey: Whoops. How long did we last? That was a pretty terrible showing...
Liz: Whatever. Let's soldier on. Let's go back to him torn between crying and finding his blackboard.
Cailey: He looks up at the flag, eyes shining with pride. Oh, what a clever stunt his Tea Partay followers pulled.
Liz: He wonders "Where is everybody? Aren't they going to come congratulate me for being such a fine leader?"
Cailey: He looks behind a rock. Nobody there. Where are they going to jump out from and yell "Surprise!"
Liz: Or..."Achtung!"
Cailey: He wouldn't wonder that. He'd wonder what the buffet spread will contain.
Liz: Now, now. No ad hominems.
Cailey: We're past that. We're ad hitlerum and then some.
Liz: While Glenn Beck is a lot of things, he can't be a total idiot, right? He knows this symbol represents all that is heinous. He knows it is not be tolerated in any way, shape, or form.
Cailey: He wonders if the Tea Partayers have finally gone too far...
Liz: His better angels whisper in his ear: "Tear it down! Tear it down! Tear it down!"
Cailey: He takes a tentative step forward in his squeaky clean Converse.
Liz: He has every intention of removing the flag and issuing a sternly worded reprimand to his flock. They crossed the line. Even cable newsmen have societal responsibilities. He knows that, right?
Cailey: I'd LIKE to think that. But what do you really think he'd do next?
Liz: A grave thought flits through his mind. He stops in his tracks.
Cailey: This is the new American reality: do you hate Obama? Show that hate to the world with a Nazi flag. Glenn's responsibility is to be a voice for "Real America". If this is a symbol of their discontent...
Liz: ...how can he in good conscience tear it down?
Cailey: Tears sting his eyes. His burden is so great.
Liz: Real tears. Not his on-air crocodile tears.
Cailey: I wonder if they are written into the show's script: "cue Glenn crying"?
Liz: Thoughts of his great mission to overthrow the evil Lib'ruls fill his mind, leaving no room for thoughts of the flag.
Cailey: There isn't that much room in there anyway.
Liz: He shuffles inside, consumed by thoughts of his mission. There are Tea Partays to plan, trees of liberty to water, and odes to Sarah Palin to compose.
Cailey: A breeze stirs...
Liz: The flag flutters...
FIN
And...in case that was just too, too distasteful and disturbing for y'all...here are some handy antidotes:
And now, for something completely different:
It’s ironic that statist cheerleaders like you accuse a small constitutional government supporter like Glenn Beck of being a Nazi when your political ideology aligns with the Fascist political and economic model while Glenn’s is the polar opposite.
ReplyDeleteGlenn my be a religious nut job drama queen but you’re just plain retarded.
Go play on the freeway knuckle dragger.