"What if I’m not a superhero? What if I’m the bad guy?"

And what if, just what if, Edward Cullen, you came back from your headboard- and pillow-destroying bonefest with Bella and - instead of having to deal with a demon baby that will end up being cursed with the demonic name of RENESMEE - found a Nazi flag hanging from your airy glass house in lovely Forks? What would happen THEN?!

We're weak. And not, let us assure you, from hunger. We're weak-willed and couldn't wait any longer to let you know how we think Edward Cullen, modern-day Byronic hero, naturally glittering immortal, and champion of eternal monogamy, would tear down the flag. (Disclaimer: NOT to be confused with Robert Pattinson, who will have his morose, dirrrty hipster, Zac Efron-loving, emo day with the flag, we promise. KStew may or may not be involved. Also, a bong. Might it look something like this? We will neither confirm nor deny.)


Liz: So Edward Cullen. Would his super-vamp sense alert him that something was rotten in the State of Washington?
Cailey: Maybe...if he weren't so wrapped up in his guilt over bruising the hell out of Bella in the, uh, heat of (legally wedded) passion.

Liz: True. He'd be gazing at her worriedly and then she'd be all like: OMG Edward is regretting his choice to marry me because I'm so ugly. Even though my skin is like porcelain! And I am so young! And so absolutely characterless!
Cailey: Not fair! You know I'm sort of a Bella apologist. But that's a topic for another day. Right now, yes, Bella would indeed be devastated by what she perceives as Edward's indifference
Liz: Despite all evidence (including watching her sleep ALL NIGHT EVERY NIGHT) to the contrary.
Cailey: But then she'd reflect - as she is wont to do - that Edward has looks a male supermodel would KILL for!
Liz: What evocative descriptive phrases our darling StephEnie has wrought!
Cailey: So they get back and see the flag. Then what?
Liz: I think Edward immediately goes: "Bella get inside the house NOW!"
Cailey: Because he's afraid that she is such a fragile, delicate human. How easily he could break her! As if she could outrun him!
Liz: But she bites her lower lip and lets loose a "No!" from the bottom of her very soul and very top of her vocal range.
Cailey: So he shields her with his alabaster arm.
Liz: That sounds like an indie band. The Alabaster Arms. Maybe they could be from Alabama.
Cailey: You digress.
Liz: Yes, I do...So she is shielded.
Cailey: And he looks at the flag, breathing angrily in and out of his masculine, perfectly shaped, sweet smelling, effortlessly suave, supermodel-esque nostrils.
Liz: And then rumbles "Wait here, Bella."
Cailey: She shivers when he leaves her side, missing his touch like a black hole was just opened up inside some dark, secret part of her (gag).
Liz: He uses his vampire speed to race over the the flag, and then in pure, sheer anger his fangs pop out. Grrrrrrr....
Cailey: But, Liz! You forget! StephEnie Meyer vamps don't have fangs because they are, as we know, the perfect predator - irresistible to weak mortals! So he just bares his beautiful, venom-filled teeth that glisten like the rarest pearls. And then he growls. It's scary.
Liz: Oh, boy, you wouldn't like him when he's angry!
Cailey: Oh, yes I would! He is HOT when he's mad!
Liz: Too true, too true. So he snarls. Like a beast. A sexy, sexy beast!
Cailey: And then he tears it down!
Liz: But he's too strong!
Cailey: Half the house comes down with it! He's buried under the rubble! Alas!
Liz: Bella lets loose a cry of deepest agony, feeling her heart constrict, feeling like she too could quit this mortal coil at any second.
Cailey: But then, with a mighty roar he bursts through the glass and I-beam remnants of their former sanctuary...
Liz: Face and throat cut artistically by shards of glass...it's like looking at the most beautiful weeping Madonna in history! AND his shirt has been ripped by the shattering glass, as well. So he removes it...deliberately...slowly...deliciously...revealing an equally injured sublime torso. He shakes his head. Sparkling pieces of glass tumble from his flawless hair, dusting his shoulders and abs with a coating of glitter that Ke$ha would envy and then...
Cailey: Um...Liz? Remember how Twilight vamps can basically never get injured because they are made of, like, platinum marble?
Liz: Oh...right. Crap.
Cailey: Yeah, StephEnie Meyer is really into wish-fulfillment in her characterizations. She doesn't want anyone to get hurt. Ever. But that doesn't mean that he can't lasciviously remove his shirt and be covered in glittering glass.
Liz: Yes! And Bella's mouth opens at the sight of this angel, this flawless creature. Then the clouds part and a beam of sunlight breaks through, bathing Edward in its sweet caress.
Cailey: His skin changes instantaneously! He begins to sparkle too!
Liz: It's just too much sparkle! Glass sparkle and natural vampire sparkle! Sparkle overload! Gaaaaaaah!
Cailey: Bella just can't take gazing upon so much beauty.
Liz: Like looking at the sun...
Cailey: Or inside the ark at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark...
Liz: Or into Medusa's eyes...
Cailey: She collapses in a weak heap, lying prone in the lush, wet grass.

Liz: Edward must vampify her to save her! Heavens!
Cailey: And the flag lies forgotten beneath the piles of rubble.
Liz: As Edward watches his one true love transformed into an even paler - and glittering! - version of her previous self.
Cailey: Thus does she get what she wanted all along. Without sacrificing her place at Dartmouth.
Liz: Though Nessie is pretty cute. I think I'm glad she was part of the story, at the end of the day. Though...seriously...'Renesmee'...wtf...
Cailey: Yeah... And it's nice that Jacob gets someone. Even if the whole "I love a baby" thing is sort of icky when you think about it.
Liz: Yeah...
Cailey: Yeah...

[pause]

Cailey & Liz: *deep sigh*

[pause]

Liz: But it is, at the end of the day, unfilmable...
Cailey: Although if James Cameron's ego ever recovers - who are we kidding, surely it already has...

Liz: Maybe he'll "invent" some technology to make it filmable!

Cailey: I think we're perhaps too emotionally invested in this.
Liz: Then I guess this is a bad time to mention it's Kristen Stewart's birthday today...